In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories...except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee) and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies)
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You
should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since
only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "*hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps"
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager.
From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer"
and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former
USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices.(roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not
adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
